I did not move to Texas for the cockroaches.
I came for the hospitality
The joie de vivre
And for the trailer tacos
I did not come for the cockroach
That flew into my bedroom last night
In point of fact
No one saw fit to tell me
That cockroaches could fly
I resent not being warned
The people of Texas are kind and welcoming
But they're hiding a dark secret
Where do they come from
Surely God did not create them?
At least not the ones with wings
No loving God would send a cockroach
Airborne
Into my home
To hang on the ceiling
While I watch Game of Thrones
I am not certain of their purpose
Except to cause my wife to scream
And me to leap from the couch
Chasing the damn thing around the house
And crushing it
(I stand corrected
There was, once
An educational opportunity
My baby son picked one up
"Beetle", he said
"Smart kid", I said
"It's more like a termite
But at least you're in the ballpark"
So I just threw it in the trash
Left the incident between us
And conveniently forgot to tell his mom)
I question their motives
When they hide in the toilet paper roll
Or the makeup bag
Or under the bed
I wonder about their intelligence
It's clear they fear me
Even just looking at them
Before I think to reach down and squash them
They run and hide
And yet
Have they seen a human before?
How do they know to fear me
Perhaps they are reincarnated
Like Archy
And they know what humans are capable of
How we scream and run
And then come back with a shoe
Or a hammer
Or a can of Raid
How we squash them
Indiscriminately
Or simply gaze over them
Upside down and twitching
Nervous systems corrupted by the poison
Laid down on our baseboards
Perhaps I have killed hundreds of Archys
Perhaps the cockroach I squash tomorrow
Is his second cousin twice removed
In which case I will say
"My deepest condolences sir
I shall regret my actions
Until the days are done
But you knew that your presence
Would cause my wife to scream
And for that,
I will crush you"